


Tidal waves don't beg forgiveness

by deepgreensea



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, First Time, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-22 09:22:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8280802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepgreensea/pseuds/deepgreensea
Summary: Five small turning points, and one big one.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [jamest-kirk](http://jamest-kirk.tumblr.com/), who writes beautiful headcanons that got me into McKirk :)

McCoy leans against a biobed in his medbay, tapping his foot in irritation and waiting with bated breath to see what stupid injury Jim managed to get today. Uhura wasn’t specific, just said someone should be there to treat Kirk, nothing serious.

Jim walks in with a stupid grin and a swollen eye and a lot of blood on his face. McCoy has a hundred retorts but he realises, maybe this time, silence might be the most effective reprimand. And Jim must sense that something’s different because he doesn’t say anything either, and most of his stupid smile is gone by the time he sits down on the bed. McCoy moves to stand in front of him, giving him a good once-over before speaking.

“You know I was off duty right?” he says, holding a scanner to Jim’s face.

“You didn’t have to come down here for this Bones. It’s nothing, anyone else could have fixed me up.”

“No one else will tell you what a moron you are.”

“Thanks Bones.”

McCoy doesn’t see the need to carry on this conversation, but Jim is clearly compelled to explain himself further.

“It wasn’t my fault this time.”

“Yeah? Anyone else in the landing party get hit in the face?”

Jim’s got nothing apparently.

“You’re lucky nothing’s broken, gotta fix up the cut though.”

McCoy turns to reach for a towel off the bed and his thigh bumps into something, and he’s suddenly uncomfortably aware that he’s standing in between Jim’s legs. It’s happened a hundred times before so he doesn’t know why, this time in particular, it’s making a flush creep up his neck.

Maybe it’s the way Jim’s staring at him. And the way his eyes shine under all the lights.

_What?_

He turns back to Jim to wipe the blood off his face, and he wishes Jim would say something else stupid so he can be angry at him again. Anything at all, just so he can stop focusing so hard on gently tracing his fingers along Jim’s forehead as he lifts his hair out the way. And Jim’s still staring, eyes boring into him. McCoy’s thighs feel hot where Jim’s are an inch away, and his neck feels even hotter even though Jim’s nowhere near that—

“Close your eyes Jim.”

“Why?”

“Cause you’ve got blood everywhere and I’m trying to clean you up here.”

 _That’s better_.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Kirk lies on a biobed in medbay with a smug look on his face because _this_ was definitely not his fault, and Bones can’t yell at him. By the time Bones gets to medbay, looking more flustered than his usual level of flustered, Kirk’s smugness has worn off slightly thanks to the pain in his right side.

“Don’t look so pleased with yourself, it’s still your fault.” Bones isn’t doing the silent thing this time.

“How?”

“Telling a kid twice your size to not hold back in combat class? Are you an idiot?” Bones holds the scanner over Kirk’s torso and Kirk can’t help looking at his hands. They’re really nice hands.

“I didn’t think he was gonna break my ribs,” Kirk quickly replies.

“He didn't. If it makes you feel any better he’s pissing his pants over there. It’s not every day an ensign gets to send his captain to medbay.”

Kirk glances over at the ensign, who’s sitting on a biobed across the room and staring straight ahead while a nurse fixes his hand.

“He’s got a lot of potential,” Kirk says and looks back at Bones.

Bones shakes his head and puts the scanner down and Kirk carries on staring at him, because at some point he’s realised it unnerves Bones if he does it while he’s working. And Bones has to scrunch his face up just a touch to help him concentrate, and Kirk really likes that face. He likes all the faces Bones makes, but that’s one of his favourites.

And then Bones lifts Kirk’s shirt up, and the backs of his fingers brush up Kirk’s sides. And everything goes quiet and all Kirk can hear is his not-so-steady breathing and the echoing of his heartbeat. And he has to look away from Bones’ eyes because all of a sudden it feels overwhelmingly intimate.

“I’m really sorry Captain. This won’t happen again.”

And Kirk’s back to his senses and staring at the large figure towering over Bones.

“Don’t sweat it Ensign. That’s what Doctor McCoy’s here for,” Kirk replies, smiling at Bones.

Bones rolls his eyes as the ensign walks away.

And Kirk’s fine now, snapped out of it, and he can look at Bones again.

Until Bones puts a hand down gently on his stomach, and Kirk can’t feel the pain of his bruised ribs anymore. He can’t feel anything except Bones’ warm and steady hand on him. And he thinks maybe he’s imagining it because why is Bones touching him anyway? He chances a glance down his body to see Bones is just holding his shirt up, which is really unnecessary because it’s not going anywhere.

Bones has some contraption in his other hand that Kirk really should remember the name of by now. He’s seen it enough times. What he does remember is that it takes a few minutes to work, and that’s a few minutes too long for Bones to be touching his naked skin. He closes his eyes and tries to steady his breathing and think about the pain in his rib.

“You okay Jim?” Bones asks, his voice far too soft.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just hurts.”

“Sorry,” Bones whispers, and gently takes his hand away.

_That’s better._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this is very different to my other fic, but I really needed to write it ;) Updates should be frequent and the remaining chapters will be longer.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](https://trekdreams.tumblr.com) for writing updates :)


	3. Chapter 3

McCoy’s in medbay again, tapping his foot again, arms crossed over his chest. He’s wearing shorts and a t-shirt because that’s what you wear on shore leave when you’re planning to have a nice quiet evening looking at the ocean and enjoying a strong drink.

If he’d known his idiot best friend was going to drink a stupid concoction in a shitty bar on an alien planet, then he wouldn’t have bothered changing.

Spock walks in with Jim slung over his shoulder.

“How’d you find him?” McCoy asks, watching as Spock lays Jim down on the nearest bed.

“He called me. I am not certain why he did not choose to alert you instead.”

“Well I probably couldn’t have carried him for one.”

“I’m not that heavy,” Jim retorts, deciding to contribute.

“Well sorry if it messed up your evening Spock. Thanks.”

“No need to apologise doctor, I was not busy.” Spock turns his attention to Jim. “I will check on you in the morning Jim.”

“Thanks Spock.”

McCoy closes the curtain around the bed and proceeds to scan Jim in silence. He’s figured out now that silence makes Jim way more nervous, and if he’s going to be an idiot then that’s what he deserves.

Jim seems very drunk, with little control over his motor functions, but completely lucid. He lies on the bed smiling stupidly, looking mostly at the ceiling, and somehow that’s fine with McCoy.

“Why’d you call Spock?” McCoy asks eventually, because it’s grating him a bit.

“Cause I knew you’d be mad at me.”

“And you think I’m not mad at you now?” He is, but not because Jim’s ruined his plans for the evening.

Jim doesn’t say anything but he does laugh sheepishly, and then he’s doing his staring thing again.

McCoy’s plans kind of sucked anyway.

“I don’t know what the hell you drank but you’ll be okay,” McCoy says, putting away the scanner. “You should be knocked out, I have no idea how you’re awake and making sense. I’ll give you something so you don’t feel like crap in the morning, but you’ll have to wait it out.” He pats Jim on the arm lightly. “Sleep Jim. You’ll feel better tomorrow.”

Jim grabs the hand on his arm. “Please don’t leave me here, don’t make me stay here Bones.”

“I’m not allowed to let you go Jim.”

“But you’re in charge!”

“Doesn’t mean I get to break the rules. I’m not _captain._ ”

Jim doesn’t have a reply, but he looks sulkier. And McCoy remembers the time two years ago, when Jim died and then didn’t, and then had to spend a month in hospital, luckily unconscious for half of it. And _fuck_ he was miserable. And McCoy knows how much he hated hospitals and medbay even before then.

McCoy sighs. “I’ll come get you later, when everyone’s gone.”

“Thanks Bones.”

McCoy steps through the curtain, fixing it behind him, and flexes the hand that was on Jim’s arm.

\---

“Thought you’d be sleeping,” McCoy says as he drags open the curtain. The medbay is empty now, it’s late and most of the crew are down on the planet.

Jim shakes his head. “Can’t.”

McCoy walks up and leans on the bed, resting his hands a reasonable distance away from Jim. “Want me to give you something for that? I can give you a sedative, shouldn’t mess with anything.”

“No.”

“Suit yourself.” McCoy takes a last look around, even though he knows they’re alone. “Come on, let’s get you to your quarters then.” He threads an arm under Jim’s shoulders and helps him sit up.

Jim grabs McCoy’s shoulder and runs a hand down his arm before tugging on the sleeve of his uniform. “You looked nice in that other stuff, why’d you change?”

“Because I’m working now. Because of you.”

“I’m sorry.”

McCoy slings Jim’s arm over his shoulders and holds him around the waist. “Think you can walk if I help you? Or should I call Spock to carry you again?”

“Not funny.” But he laughs anyway. “I can walk.”

And he does, sort of. It’s very slow and McCoy is immensely grateful that they don’t pass anyone on the way to Jim’s quarters. No one should see Jim like this, it’s not quite befitting of a captain.

“Wasn’t my fault Bones, I didn't know it was bad for me. I was just tryna relax,” Jim says as they’re nearing the captain’s quarters.

“There are other ways of doing that you know.”

“Like what Bones?”

“Try reading a book.”

“What else?”

“Go exercise.”

“Those don’t sound like any fun. Do you know any fun ways?”

“Stop talking Jim.”

And Jim does, but only because they’re at his door. McCoy gets him inside and steers him to the bed. He’s repositioning his arms around Jim to lay him down when Jim’s arms wrap around his neck, and he feels warm lips press against his ear.

“D’you wanna help me relax Bones…”

McCoy digs his fingers into Jim’s sides, and for a split-second he’s caught between pulling him closer and pushing him away. He lets out a long and shaky breath into Jim’s shoulder and then drops him, and Jim doesn’t have the strength to hold on so he falls to the bed.

“You’re no fun Bones.”

“Yeah well neither are you.” And McCoy turns around and pretends to fidget with something because his heart is racing and if he has to speak again his voice is definitely going to give him away.

He pushes an armchair over so he can sit next to the bed, and he prays to anyone listening that Jim will forget this in the morning.

“You don’t have to stay Bones.”

“Actually I do, someone has to make sure you don’t die in your sleep. That’s usually what the equipment in medbay is for.” That was such a lie, no one was anywhere close to dying.

“Sorry Bones.”

“It’s fine. Just go to sleep Jim.”

“I’m sorry I ruined your shore leave.”

“Didn’t have anything big planned. And there’s still tomorrow.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“Sleep Jim.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading!
> 
> Hoping to have another chapter up on Wednesday :)


	4. Chapter 4

Kirk wakes up with only a faint recollection of the previous day, but he remembers the stupid thing he did, and he remembers Bones sitting next to his bed when he fell asleep. And before he even opens his eyes he knows that Bones is gone.

Once he’s fully awake and made himself presentable he takes a casual walk past medbay. Except it’s not casual, because it’s loaded with some sort of expectation, because when he sees Bones isn’t there he feels a pang of something unpleasant. And of course Bones isn’t even on the ship, he’s down on the planet like he should have been yesterday.

Kirk beams back down and checks in to the room he should have slept in last night.

\---

“Hey Bones,” Kirk says, finally managing to reach Bones on his comm.

“How you feeling Jim?”

“Good. And uh, sorry… about yesterday.”

“Don’t worry about it, told you I didn’t have anything planned.”

“You wanna do something?”

“I can meet you for dinner. I’m busy until then.”

“Sure, I’ll meet you in the lobby, let me know when you’re done.”

“See you later Jim.”

Kirk mostly feels relieved, because Bones could have been far less forgiving, but he doesn’t like the other feeling. It’s very close to anticipation, and it’s making him buzz and breathe too fast and this is starting to feel like something else, and Kirk pushes the word away.

Six years of friendship and living anywhere between five and fifty meters from each other and now Kirk’s palms are sweating and he thinks he should have brought nicer clothes.

It feels like a fucking _date_. Except of course it’s not, definitely not for Bones.

And Kirk thinks about his clothes again later when he sees Bones in the lobby, because Bones looks nice and smells good and his hair looks really neat. Probably because he had an actual date. There’s a really nice lieutenant from Engineering who’s been in medbay a lot, despite looking perfectly healthy and well. And Bones laughs at all her jokes.

\---

Dinner’s good and they don’t really talk about the previous night, because Bones has already said all he can about responsibility and Kirk not being in the academy anymore. And Kirk knows, and he’s grown up a lot and been mature. Shit happens and Bones isn’t going to dwell on it.

After dinner they sit on the deck having a drink and looking out onto the ocean. Maybe it’s a sea. Kirk likes the air and the breeze and how Bones’ hair looks more and more dishevelled as the evening goes on. He’s looking at Bones’ hands a lot again, how they wrap around the glass he’s holding. But that’s okay because Kirk’s relaxed now, and it’s starting to feel like old times again, and if Kirk occasionally looks at Bones with a sense of longing that’s okay. It’s more than manageable.

And he wants to ask Bones about his date, the one that Kirk is sure he went on, but decides against it. Probably because he doesn’t want to know.

\---

They finish their drinks and walk along the beach back to the hotel. And Kirk thinks all that’s missing is moonlight and hand-holding and then it really will be a fucking date. He looks over at Bones and his ridiculously wind-swept hair and he doesn’t know whether he wants to run his fingers through it and fix it, or mess it up more and tug on it while he moans into Bones’ mouth.

 _Fuck_. When did it get this bad?

Bones isn’t looking back at him though, and he’s being unusually quiet. It’s probably because he’s wishing he was still on his actual date with the pretty lieutenant. And Kirk wonders whether that’s two evenings he’s messed up for him now.

\---

They’re walking to their rooms when Bones stops in front of a door.

“This is me Jim.”

Kirk is at a loss because this was really good, and he doesn’t want it to end. And if this was a date he would really want his kiss now. It’s been a while but he’s pretty sure that’s still how dates work.

Kirk is touchy, and everyone knows that, and it would be weird if he suddenly stopped being touchy with Bones. So he puts a hand on Bones’ shoulder and squeezes it lightly.

“Night Bones. I had fun.”

And then Bones steps closer and winds his arms around him, and Kirk pulls him in much tighter than he should.

“Me too Jim.”

And then everything goes quiet again for Kirk, and all he can feel is Bones sliding his fingers up the nape of his neck and into his hair. Kirk opens his mouth but he’s pretty sure nothing comes out of it.

Kirk remembers this, remembers something like this from last night. His body remembers Bones’ fingers digging into his sides. And he wonders what happened, and why Bones was gone when he woke up.

And he panics, because for a moment he sees a hundred different ways this can go, and a hundred ways he can fuck this up. And he can’t fuck this up because he needs Bones by his side for the rest of his life.

“Night Bones,” he says as he lets go.

Bones doesn’t look at him as he steps away. “Night Jim.”

Kirk walks to his room and thinks about how they don’t hug all that much, and they’ve definitely never hugged each other goodnight before. And Kirk wonders whether maybe there was no date with the pretty lieutenant.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading :)
> 
> It's quite likely that I'll have this story finished by the weekend!


	5. Chapter 5

“Can’t sleep Bones.”

“What do you want me to do Jim?”

“Come have a drink with me.”

“Dammit Jim it’s late! And I _can_ sleep.”

“Come on Bones. Please.”

McCoy sighs, “Fine, be there now.”

He gets out of bed and pulls on a t-shirt and pants that look presentable enough for the Enterprise’s corridors.

He needs to learn to say no. Especially to Jim. Especially since that hug a week ago that still makes him clench his fists every time he remembers it. He still doesn’t know what the hell he was thinking, but at least one of them had the sense to walk away before everything went to shit. He’s still embarrassed that it wasn’t him.

McCoy walks into Jim’s quarters to see him sitting on the couch, pyjama pants and a t-shirt and a look that’s going to get him into trouble one of these days.

“What are we drinking?”

“Your favourite.”

McCoy walks over and sits down next to Jim on the couch, picking up the glass of bourbon waiting for him on the table.

“What’s the occasion?” McCoy asks, giving Jim a bemused look.

“We’re both off duty tomorrow.”

“I usually like to celebrate that by sleeping.”

The truth was that being alone with Jim — late at night, with his messy hair and heavy eyes and unapologetically wandering hands — stopped being easy at some point.

“Cheers Bones.”

McCoy clinks his glass against Jim’s and takes a sip.

Jim’s sitting on his side, facing McCoy, arm draped over the back of the couch. And he’s staring again.

“Wanna watch something?”

“Yeah, sure. Let’s watch something.” Anything that’s going to make Jim look away from him.

Jim gets a movie going and twenty minutes in McCoy has no idea what it’s about. He’s trying to pay attention, really he is, but he’s too aware of Jim next to him. Jim’s thumb swiping up and down the side of his glass, Jim’s other hand really close to his neck, the sound of his fingers brushing against the couch.

McCoy finishes the last bit of his drink and puts the glass down on the table. When he leans back he sees that Jim’s got that look again. The one that’s going to get him pushed down into the couch when McCoy’s resolve finally breaks. Which of course it can’t.

Because they can’t fuck this up.

If they do McCoy’s going to have to leave the Enterprise. And he’s going to get a fantastic posting in a great hospital back on Earth, and everyone will think that his dream has finally come true. And that will be a lie, because Leonard McCoy’s dream is never living more than fifty meters away from Jim Kirk. And he’s happy to live out the rest of his life aboard a starship with Jim, fixing him when he gets hurt, telling him when he’s being stupid, and having a drink with him when he can’t sleep. He’ll complain about every moment, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

And he knows Jim might be pushing it tonight, because a week ago he saw McCoy almost break.

 _Don’t fuck this up_.

“Want another one Bones?”

“No, let’s just watch this.” And McCoy congratulates himself because another would probably end in him climbing on top of Jim and pushing those lips apart with his tongue. He knows he’s making it worse, but he can’t help looking at Jim’s mouth before he turns away.

Some time later Jim lies down on the couch, very tactfully with his head away from McCoy, and he’s asleep by the end of the movie. McCoy reckons he’s done his job and stands up to leave.

“Stay Bones.”

“Jim I can’t.”

“I’ll sleep better if you’re here. Take the bed, I’ll stay here.”

McCoy has nothing to say. Because he shared a room with Jim for three years and he remembers all the long nights they spent talking when Jim was like this. They’ve slept in the same room and even the same bed since then, and it shouldn’t be weird now. _It’s just so Jim can sleep._

Defeated, he walks to Jim’s bed, takes off his pants and shoes and climbs under the blanket. And of course it smells like Jim. McCoy presses his face into the pillow and doesn’t even try to stop the stream of images that floods his mind.

\---

McCoy wakes up when he feels the bed moving behind him. He wants to turn around and look but he doesn’t — mostly because if Jim knows he’s awake Jim might do something stupid. It’s too late and McCoy’s too weak, and he might let him.

Jim tosses and turns for a bit, and then he does something stupid anyway.

McCoy feels a hand come up and rest on his arm, and then he feels hot breath and Jim’s stubble through the thin fabric of his t-shirt as Jim kisses his shoulder. And Jim whispers something into it, something he’s not meant to hear, and McCoy think he might spend the rest of his life wondering what is was.

There’s a squeeze on his arm before Jim falls back on the bed, thankfully taking his lips and his hand away. But McCoy can’t sleep for a long time after that.

\---

The next time McCoy wakes up it’s really early, and Jim’s still sleeping.

He quietly slips out of bed and dresses before going back to his own quarters so he can shower. Mostly so he can get rid of an ache that hasn’t quite gone away ever since he climbed into Jim’s bed. Then he sleeps properly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again for reading :)
> 
> Hope to have this finished on Friday!


	6. Chapter 6

They’ve slept in the same bed two more times since Kirk first broke his promise of staying on the couch and climbed into bed with Bones. Kirk sleeps really well those nights. And Bones is a real gentleman and doesn’t touch him at all. Not even accidentally in the middle of the night, which seems impossible considering the bed is far from spacious. But Kirk can still feel the warmth from his body, and he likes the way the mattress dips under the weight next to him. But Bones is always gone when he wakes up.

Which is why Kirk is walking to Bones’ quarters in the middle of the night. Bones will be furious but hopefully too tired to argue if Kirk climbs into his bed. And hopefully when Kirk wakes up tomorrow Bones will still be lying next to him.

Kirk realises he may not have thought it through that well, because as nice as it sounds he has no idea what should happen after that. He has no idea what he should say in the simulated morning light when they have to confront this thing they’ve been doing.

Bones open up for him without leaving the bed or even looking up because he must know there’s only one person it can be.

“Jim?” Bones’ tone is more questioning of Kirk’s intent rather than his identity.

Kirk doesn’t answer, instead he proceeds to the foot of the bed and strips off his pants before climbing in. Bones is lying on his stomach and he shifts over with a loud sigh.

“Night Bones.”

“Night Jim.”

Kirk waits a few minutes before shifting around a bit and letting his knee connect with Bones’ leg. He feels Bones flinch but he doesn’t move away.

\---

Kirk wakes up because it’s too hot. He’s still coming around when he rips the blanket off and realises Bones has a hand under his shirt, resting on his stomach. He can feel the heat at his back and Bones must be an inch away at most. He hopes Bones’ hand is far enough down his body to not feel the way his heart starts pounding.

“Sleep Jim,” Bones whispers, his voice gravelly but soft.

He doesn’t know how Bones knows he’s awake but there’s no way he can sleep now. He’s getting hard from Bones’ hand on his bare skin and the warm breath on the back of his neck so there’s really no fucking way he can sleep now.

He moves an arm around behind him and puts it on Bones’ thigh.

“Jim.” A little less soft now.

Kirk grips the thigh under his hand and tries to pull Bones closer.

“Jim stop.”

Kirk’s not very good at listening, or maybe he just needs to feels Bones flush against him more than anything else in the world, so he tries to push himself back.

“Jim!” Bones’ voice is definitely not soft anymore and his hand moves to Kirk’s hip, holding him in place. “You have no idea what you’re doing.”

And Bones is right, he doesn’t.

Kirk moves his hand from Bones’ thigh and places it over the one on his hip. And he’s pretty sure whatever part of him Bones is touching, he can feel the pounding coming from his chest. But maybe he should show him anyway. So he drags Bones’ hand up his chest, over his shirt this time, and places it over his heart.

“Jesus Jim,” Bones whispers, pressing his face into the back of Kirk’s neck.

And they lie still for a minute, just breathing, until Bones moves his hand down to Kirk’s waist and slips it back under his shirt. He draws it up Kirk’s side, feeling his skin, and then back down over his chest and stomach, stopping just above his briefs. And Kirk wonders whether Bones saw him all those times, staring at his hands, and he wonders whether Bones knows how badly he wanted those hands to touch him.

Bones opens his lips against Kirk’s neck, not quite kissing him, but it’s close enough. There’s no protest this time as Kirk shifts back, and they both groan at the feel of Bones’ hard cock against Kirk’s ass, and Bones groans again when Kirk pushes further into it.

“Jim we can still stop,” Bones whispers roughly against his neck, and Kirk thinks he must be delusional because the point where they could stop was a million touches and heavy breaths ago.

“Kiss me Bones,” he whispers back.

Bones mutters a ‘fuck’ but moves to let Kirk roll onto his back. And he doesn’t kiss him straight away. Kirk doesn’t know why but he’s caring less with every second. Because Bones is leaning over him, pulling his shirt up, and rubbing his hand all over Kirk’s naked skin. And that hand is everything he imagined. It’s not soft, but the touch is. And it’s so very steady and sure of itself.

“Bones kiss me.” He doesn’t know why he’s asking because he could just as easily reach up. But he wants Bones to do it. Wants to know that he wants to do it just as much.  

Bones slides his hand up Kirk’s body until his fingers rest on Kirk’s collarbone and finally their eyes meet. And there’s just enough light for Kirk to see that Bones’ eyes are not as sure as his hands. But they look determined when his lips lower to Kirk’s and close over them. And it’s soft and hesitant for exactly a second, and then it’s really _really_ not. Their lips part and they both moan as their tongues slide against each other for the first time. Bones winds his arm around Kirk’s waist and almost pulls him off the bed to get him closer.

Kirk alternates between relaxing, sinking into the bed because it’s _just so good_ , and tensing up every muscle in his body because this just isn’t enough and he wants so much more that it hurts.

He pulls Bones on top until he’s straddling him, and Bones doesn’t waste any time using the newly gained leverage to pull off his own shirt and then Kirk’s. Bones dips his head down to press his lips to Kirk’s chest and breathe in his skin. And for a while that’s all it is, before he starts kissing every bit of it.

And Kirk wants to do the same. Wants to kiss and touch and caress every part of Bones and show him how long he’s wanted this, how badly he’s wanted to do all these things that swim around in his head at night. Some part of him thinks that Bones might not know, that he might somehow think this is just for now, that it doesn’t mean the world. Kirk knows the words to tell him otherwise, but he’s never really been any good with those.

So Kirk rolls them over and Bones groans at Kirk rests his weight on him and there’s finally a hint of friction. It’s so good Kirk almost gets distracted, almost, but he remembers what he wants to do. He kisses Bones on the lips over and over, light and soft and whispering his name in between every one. Then he moves down to his jaw, then his neck and his chest. Bones is breathless, running his fingers through Kirk’s hair and clutching at his shoulder. And the clutching becomes desperate when Kirk reaches Bones’ stomach and then lower, mouthing Bones’ cock through the fabric of his briefs.

“Fuck Jim,” Bones growls between other, more desperate, noises.

Kirk kneels to take off the last bit of clothing, and he really wishes there was more light so he could see how beautiful Bones is. For now he’ll have to be content with touching and feeling and tasting. He leans down and kisses Bones’ hipbone, and he wants to kiss and lick and tease him more, but it’ll have to wait until next time because right now he just wants to make Bones feel good. He winds his fingers around the base of Bones’ cock and wraps his lips around the rest.

He puts everything into it but he can feel Bones holding back, he feels it through every tensed muscle in Bones’ body and every thrust that he tries to suppress. And Kirk doesn’t want him to hold back, not if he’s been waiting just as long.

The truth is he’s known that Bones wanted him too, even if he didn’t believe it at first. He’s known it ever since Bones’ friendly casual touches became scarce, and all the other touches became tender and careful and hesitant. All those lingering gratuitous ones in medbay that made Kirk’s head spin and his breath hitch. The ones he’d think about when he lay in bed at night.

Kirk crawls up Bones’ body, scattering kisses along the way until they’re face to face. “Not like this Bones,” he whispers, hoping Bones will understand.

“Okay,” Bones replies with a pained expression. And then when the words sink through the haze of lust he nods and mutters another ‘okay’ as he lifts himself up and crawls to retrieve lube from his nightstand.

Kirk lies on his back and watches Bones slicking up his fingers. And when Bones touches him his hands know exactly what they’re doing. His skilled fingers know just how to move inside him and make Kirk squirm and gasp and curse. And they’re relentless until Kirk whispers, in between kisses, that he’s ready. Finally Bones pushes inside him, slowly, murmuring about how good Kirk feels and how it’s everything he wanted. How Kirk is everything he wanted.

And everything about it feels so good that Kirk wants to scream. Bones’ words, his accent thick and sweet, stick to Kirk’s skin and he wants to remember them forever.

Bones finally works up a pace that makes him tremble, his words no longer making any sense, and Kirk is happy that he’s finally not holding back. Kirk strokes himself a few times before Bones takes over. And it takes almost no time at all before he comes, hard and loud, Bones pausing to kiss him through it and catch his own breath. As soon as Kirk regains some measure of control he pulls at Bones, urging him to move again. And it takes even less time before Bones collapses on top of him with a groan, breathless and shuddering and perfect.

Kirk doesn’t speak for a long time after, even when Bones rolls off him and they lie facing each other with limbs intertwined. But he feels braver once Bones’ hands are everywhere again, calmer and steadier than before, with no urgency behind the touches.

“I want this forever Bones.”

One day there may be better words than these, words Kirk has already whispered to Bones in the middle of the night more times that he can recall. But if the way Bones’ arms tighten around him is anything to go by, these will do for now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading all the way to the end :) And massive thanks to everyone who left me kudos and comments, this was not as easy to write as I thought it would be, so it really means a lot!
> 
> I may do this again sometime, and I am forever in love with Jim and Bones together, but for now I am going back to writing Spirk :)
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](https://trekdreams.tumblr.com) for writing updates!
> 
> Thanks again <3


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